according to storygraph, last year i read only three books outside of school. that is not exactly ideal. in some sense, each book was a triumph, of forcing my eternally busy mind to focus on this one thing, the words on the page. in another sense, it was rather abysmal: in 2022 i read more than 8 times that amount. was i getting stupider? probably. my main excuse was being in my school's ib dp program, which was way too much for my brain to handle. my freshman year, i fretted over getting a b, my senior year i felt lucky that i ended the year with c's in some of my more difficult classes. now in college, it is much classes are much easier than in highschool (not that i am doing any better; the best i can do it just enough to get by). i have estrogen, which i think is actually working at making my brain clearer (especially ever since starting injections). i think these are the conditions that is allowing me to read again. this month, i have read three books, a triumph for which i shall gloat about until i forget how to read again. of these three books, the second one, nevada by imogen binnie is the one i want to talk about in this entry

so here is where the spoilers begin to turn back now if you do not want a classic of transgender literature to be spoiled for you. so, i am trans as you might be aware. i am not in the same place maria is in in the book, i have only been on estrogen for 2 months, and am not really out. i am not in the same place james is in in the book, i have known i am trans for years at this point. but i see so much of myself in both of them, maria in particular. there is not a point in my life that i felt in control. there is no real reason to have control when you a. do not know how you want to be read or b. the way you wanted to be read goes against expectations by broader society. in either way, it is just easier to just exist and let things go over you. to disassociate from the real world, from yourself and everyone around you. it is not only easier but it is a means of survival. that's life for many trans people before transitioning, and that way of thinking is hard to outgrow. that's maria's struggle pretransition, and that's her struggle four years into her transition. that is my fear, that the control over my own life that i lacked pre-transition will continue, i will continue to disassociate from the world, isolate myself from everyone else. in some ways i am better off: i am sober, only drugs i have touched is ones prescribed to me and alcohol i had drank around my parents. in other ways, i am not: i am completely alone, without any friends (even of the bigoted asshole variety). i am not exactly sure where to go from here. i have decided to not socially transition for the time being, which places myself in the wierd in-between space of knowing and accepting i am trans and also acting as if i was a man to everyone else. the issue is that the solution to my problems is to be confident as a trans femme. i can never act as a well-adjusted man: i can not be a man and not want to make myself invisible. maybe another path is drugs... i know is stated that one of the ways i am better off is that i am sober, but that is mostly the case because maria took hard drugs in the book, and even in james case with weed, he took way too much (but, in my case would i be able to control it?). perhaps self-medicating on weed could make things better? anyways, i would make a really good stoner

other thoughts of the book: i like the timeframe it took place. especially how it relates to the internet. it made me feel special because i interact with the internet in a very similar way to maria, being a blogger and all (albeit not a very prolific one). i think the ending is very fitting, how you just can't save an egg (especially when you are as fucked up as maria). i like how we gain access to maria's and james's inner monologue. the choice allows us to enter their headspace, and allows me to see how similar mine is with theirs. i like the bit about porn because of how it is a reflection of such a raw and candid experience for many in the community. espcially that bit where maria talks about her own journey with james. i liked it when james wins against maria because maria kind of deserved it

the other books i read this month were on tyranny by timothy snyder and the tatami galaxy by tomihiko morimi. on tyranny was ok, it is a short book, probably worth a read at this point of time. i remember reading it in one sitting, during the time i allotted just before class in the morning that i was supposed to do my homework. the tatami galaxy was the latest book i read. i actually finished it today. i am still processing it. it deals with similar themes of nevada, that being passiveness in ones own life and failures to make meaningful relationships with others. but in very different ways: both in structure and in outcome. this, however, is presented in a very cisnormative and heteronormative story. for other media i have been enjoying, i got around to listening to phonetics on and on by horsegirl, and i think it is amazing. it is really incredible how distictive their sound is, and how well they executed it. they are only on their second album and each member is like a year older than me. i have also been enjoying music by the oozes, zebra katz, pigeon pit, and so many other artists.