so.... its been a while. my rotten country got a new president. he is as bad as anyone could have imagined. i have been preparing in odd and uneven ways, in some cases months (even years!) before the election even occurred. so basically, i have been hoarding pdfs of books for several years now. for the last few months, i have not picked up a book to read for pleasure even once, but the collection keeps growing and growing. around a year ago, i also started hoarding music. i have a small collection on my phone of songs ripped off of soundcloud and youtube that i used when going to school. but my computer is where most of my collection is, i currently have around 1700 albums (don't have an exact number, singles sometimes show up as albums). whether it is worth it or not is up for debate i guess. i really started downloading music to have the feeling of owning something. but considering project 2025 is currently underway, and trans people are considered pornographic in that, and pornography is to be banned, then there is a possibility that music made by trans people could be made illegal???? once trump got elected, the possibility of this awful future seemed almost imminent, downloading media that provided a lifeline to me became kind of essential for me to feel like i can actually survive. i have survived years of boymoding with music being my only source of comfort, if i were to exclusively boymode again, then i would need music to make it through that again

i haven't been preparing in more direct ways, all my stuff is under the wrong gender and wrong name (well, i haven't decided on a new name yet, so...), and presumably it will stay that way for at least the next four years. i have been looking in ways in getting documentation to be able to live outside of the country. luckily, because my parents are indian immigrants, i would be able to apply for the overseas citizen of india passport. currently, i am wrestling on whether it is even worth it. i can not change my gender on my passport. so, to my understanding, i would only be able to change my gender on an indian passport if i were to get surgery. at the end of the day, a way out, even one with incorrect gender and name, is probably better than nothing. even if it is to india, where i probably wouldn't even be able to get a job or further education. fuck the british empire and its section 377 and criminal tribes act

an actually good development from last time is that i now have estrogen and spiro. it certainly be doing things. my brain is still not working, but things are clearer, somewhat, so that's cool. my skin has been drier, which might be because of winter, but i notice it even when indoors all day. this absolutely sucks because because it only worsens the sensitivity of my already excessively fragile face. also my chest is sensitive. and i need to pee a lot. whether a stockpile of hrt is a part of my preparation is not going to be discussed here, just know that what i do have was prescribed (hence the spiro). do what is best for you

on the day of inauguration, my cat, who i have known for the last seven years unfortunately passed away. she was seventeen at the time so she lived a long, happy life. but it was a shock to me, especially being away at college. i knew she had health problems; she was rushed to the emergency room around a week ago. her doctors feared it was cancer, although a subsequent appointment showed it wasn't. at this, i thought i would be able to see her again when on break, but i was wrong. it was surreal, that day i was doing strangely well (didn't sleep the night before so the bad parts of my brain wasn't working) but then i got the text and everything felt still almost. i wish i spent more time with her when i got a chance, when i was there for winter break. i hate how i can't even grieve properly even like it doesn't even feel real and so much evil is happening all the time, like all day i am just focused on how i can survive this. i don't really know what else to say except of how cruel the universe actually is. like the pairing of the events of my last blog post, and then this. i really don't understand

on the topic of media i have been consuming lately, during december i watched both seasons we are lady parts which is a tv show, made by nida manzoor, about an all women, muslim band and how they deal with their growing popularity. i thoroughly enjoyed the show. its pretty cool to have poc characters where they have challenges and stuff but it is not trauma porn. like, i was looking for other shows and movies by diaspora desi filmakers and they all seemed depressing as hell. it is worth mentioning that i also watched polite society (a movie also created by nida manzoor) almost a year ago, and that movie fundamentally changed me as a human being. ria will forever be the most correct character ever created (even if she was wrong, she might be, who knows, watch the movie). i then watched doctor who, series 11, 12, 13, and 14. they were pretty good. although i think my brain is still the same after watching it (although the 2022 specials may be the episodes that finally does it, i just need to find them). when it comes to music, i have been listening to songs off of vince staple's album dark times a lot, hence the title of this post. i have recently became aware of the existence of juana molina, whose music i have been enjoying a lot. also, i have been listening to a lot of music from coke studios pakistan, and music specifically from arooj aftab and ali sethi. shout out pakistan for making so much incredible music. needless to say, i have been listening to jane remover's single jrjrjr a lot. and oklou's recent singles. not needless to say, but i also have been enjoying horsegirl's recent singles. i have listened to, and enjoyed ethel cain's perverts, not sure if i will ever revisit it though. i also enjoyed ela minus's album día, and probably will revisit it. i also happened to listen to a lot of other projects, but i don't really have a listening log or anything and the listening history thing on deezer only goes so far so all that information is lost i guess

i also want to make it clear, that if i don't write for a long time, that just means i am lazy. i'll survive no matter what