i am envious of how people can go on with their lives without an existential sense of dread. i am envious of when i go to other blogs (to make sure i am doing this thing blogging thing properly) that they have lives, they have fulfilling relationships, they have hobbies, they exist within the world around them. i am envious of how everyone else in my college seems to be able to keep up with classwork and social responsibilies. it is hard to continue. all my life i have been existing in the margins, doing as little as possible to get by. there is people i can talk to but i just don't. why? i didn't even sign back up with my counselor after winter break. i don't even talk to people on the internet. i have a tumblr, all i do is reblog, never communicated with another person on that platform. i really wanted to write something light after that monster of a post three days ago, something without content warnings, but i don't think i really can. i thought this blog would be something better, but it is just me yelling out to the void

i think i am a mostly binary trans girl. i tried, in rather spontaneous ways, in the beginning of this school year to announce that i am queer. in my housing application, i wrote that i didn't know my gender and i preferred to be with masc people (i am nearly 6 ft tall, broad shoulders, no femme clothes or makeup at the time, so under no circumstances would i be comfortable in another arrangement), so i ended up in a housing arrangement with trans masc and non-binary people. which in this context, identifying as a cisgender man around people who likely requested queer roomates would be odd. so (probably fortunately) i did not pretend to be guy and stated i use any pronouns (not true, but its fine). in a few classes, i announced my pronouns as the same thing. and then, not much happened. i distanced myself from everyone, making it impossible for me to socially transition. so now we are here. i am vaguely out to some people as some variety of queer. i look at best androgynous, at worst a messy guy. the president is of the authoritarian variety and trans people is his biggest enemy. i don't think i can be out. well, i don't think i can cut my hair, i don't think i can stop taking hormones, i don't think i can stop all the advances i took to actually taking care of myself when i found out i am trans. social transitioning is a nightmare as it was, but now with the government it is so much worse. i can not legally transtion. if i don't surround myself with trans people, there is no one i would be able to trust with who i am

in many ways i am alone. i am desi. my parents immigrated to the us from india. but they never taught me their language, hindi, their religion, hinduism, or any other part of the culture. only once i went to india, that was when i was five. they got divorced. my mom became estranged from her family. my dad never seemed that close to his either, and he remarried (technically eloped, but me and my brother was told beforehand). as a result, i had little contact with my culture, and lived in a family broken and isolated. despite living in an area with a sizable desi community, i never felt like i belonged around kids who knew their mothertongue, who went often to their motherland, who knew their relatives, etc. now that, with being trans. i love and appreciate the hijra and other third-gender communities, as well as the trans community in south asia, but with my upbringing i can not relate to them and their struggle. similarly, while i love and appreciate the trans people i know personally, as well as many in the media, most of them are white, and off the ones that are not white, almost no one is south asian

[bonus] semi-live reaction of the presidents order to ban federal funding to support gender affirming care of any under 19 because apparently this has to come to my attention as i write this god-forsaken blog post:

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk