for a long time, i have been a fan of yeule's music. i saw that the released a song called "anthems for a seventeen year-old girl" (which i would later learn is a cover of the song by broken social scene). i would later listen to the song "claw machine" by sloppy jane featuring phoebe bridgers (phoebe bridgers being another artist i loved for along time, especially her album punisher. i saw, for both tracks, that they were for the movie i saw the tv glow, which i heard of previously. i decided to listen to the full movie soundtrack of which i enjoyed(?) (stylistically very similar to the music i enjoyed before my egg cracked). that was yesterday (at like 4 am), and that day i decided that i would watch the movie the next day. yesterday, i did

while i typically cower in front of any type of movie (not just horror movies such as this), i felt oddly calm throughout. i connected with the character of owen, but as his terrible fate is revealed i felt nothing. this disturbed me, emotion and a greater sense of my trans identity is something that i wanted from this experience. i guess what i gained from this movie is that i am currently where owen spent all his life at. the years of my life seem to move so quickly, all my life i have tried to be hidden

kind of in search to derive meaning from the film that relates to topics of self worth and to get some sort of emotional response from myself, but also heeding the film as a warning, i took a shower, shaved my body hair, and dressed myself in the most feminine clothes that i own. it did not feel gratifying, my shoulders were to wide, my hair was due for a trim, my face was so off-putting, my body was too thin.

what i have that owen doesn't is a realization that i accept who i am. but i am still so empty. i still have all what owen has. for reference, i did not come out yet, so that is a point of similarity, both of us are afraid from the wrath of society of choosing such a foolish destiny