i turned 18 yesterday. i was really excited to do this. i thought that i was going to go on estrogen and my mind will finally be fixed and that my body will be sort of fixed. i was thinking about this moment for years. and i knew for the last few monthes that election day will fall on my birthday. and perhaps wondered what would happen if trump won. i thought that that would certainly be crazy, he is talking about dictatorship so it could never happen. then trump won the presidency. republicans won the senate. republicans most likely are going to win the house. not related (hopefully), but also, apparently there is no spots in planned parenthood for estrogen where i am. i thought turning 18 during an election day would make me feel like an adult, like i really gone through a lot and emerge as a full member of society. it just makes me feel small, like i am nothing. this whole thing is also just cruel, how dare they threaten to take something i want so badly once i am able to get it. how dare they take a free country away once i am an adult. my first reaction in learning trump's victory was to try to recontexualize it. like, i am going on my vilain arc, i am going to live a fulfilling life no matter what they do. i don't really know what to do anymore, i am now just sad. i should have been born as a worm, worms don't have to deal with this

it is odd seeing every single swing state going to trump. watching it yesterday, all of them (except michigan at that point) some shade of red, hoping as more votes come in that they shift blue. it is odd seeing every blue state becoming redder and every red state becoming redder. does everyone not feel the same fear as i do? it is odd going to the dining hall this morning and most people not being completely miserable. many were laughing, many were telling funny stories, or talking about boys. it was comforting when i went to work this morning, or when i went to my classes to see that people actually do have emotions, that people actually do care. it is a really confusing time

other things: i voted. apparently my state went to trump. i thought it would, but hopeful that it wouldn't. trump definitely did not deserve to win, but also kamala deserved to lose. she was assuming that trump alienating moderates would be what propelled her to victory. she did not consider having policies that constituents would accept (most voters do not want the genocide in gaza). people also also just bizarre. moderates especially. no, split ticket doesn't mean your unbiased. unbiased does not mean center. choosing center does not mean your rational. also, how can you be a centrist even when your voting for maga republicans? what????