you know what would be crazy... if my social anxiety do not be going away. so yeah. i am basically isolating myself like in high school. yay. it would be fun if i did counseling or something, might be a cool idea. id don't know. well, um, auh gjisdsndalsk

my brain kind of doesn't work (sad!) but like in a month it could. maybe. i don't know. a month from now roughly i turn 18. and then i could get myself a little estrogen, as a little treat, without my parents permission or anything. then maybe by brain won't be so foggy and i can have full access to my emotions. idk

despite writing about myself and my eternal suffering, i am kind of content right now. like a major part of why it kind of sucked for the last week (my overgrown bangs) has been defeated (i cut them). also i be playing geoguessr now. i was have been binge watching that stuff for the last few months (mostly jake lyons and zigzag, as well as the world cup) so it was something that i wanted to do for a long time. but it be costing money. but life is short

on the topic of media i be consuming, i listened to the new sophie album. and it was absolutely one of the best albums of the year. like she does not miss, even when she is not here. although it would be so much better if she was still here. but the fact that is was so great to start with is a testament to how incredible she was as a musician. i am also listening to a lot of digicore stuff i listened to in 2022, like quinn, ericdoa, kmoe, etc. maybe i am living in a bubble, but it feels so weird how the little bubble of music i had been listeing to has gotton so much credibility in music blogs (which i mean pitchfork). i am an awful person who reads pitchfork, and they put "ok im cool" in their top 100 list of best songs and also had a longform article on "hyperpop." also the main guy there built his brand on covering digicore stuff. i also be listening to a lot of underscores and jane remover (as always). on other forms of media, i watched the last season of heartstopper. i am basically tori because i am an emo blogger. she is also canonically on the aroace spectrum (at least in the books; kind of in the show too?) so that's cool. also i am isaac the way that it hits me everytimes i realize that everyone around me is dating. which is crazy. what do you mean that like everyone else has some sort of secret shared understanding of a whole other form of interpersonal relationships and that it is omnipresent in their lives. that is crazy. romance honestly is crazier in concept then sex. like in sex people be putiing their genitals in other peoples parts. now that is crazy. but in romance it so close to somethign recognizable (platonic relationships) but also it is not, and they want to kiss each other, and other stuff? idk. like what is more then friendship? like more companionship? but you can get that in queer platonic relationships. i don't know. it seems made the fuck up. anyways shout out all the cute little couples in heartstopper like i am basically elle the way i am transgender so i am cool with them