hello everyone, sorry for not writing in a while. a lot has happened in the more than a month that i have been gone. currently i am in college, and as of right now i am writing this in my college library. as this is my first year in college, there has been quite a bit of adjusting to do. this includes trying to socialize with people in real life which is something i find difficult. during highschool and much of middle school, i spent most of my time isolating myself from other people. i was always eating alone during lunch and the rest. only for like a month or two in my senior year did i have a friend, but she is now a state over and i can't contact her. i have talking to more people now, and i am kind of proud of myself for it. at the same time, when i am in a conversation, especially with multiple people, i find it difficult to join in, and due to my isolation i can hardly relate to a lot of what people talk about. additionally, i am kind of scared going into the dining hall so i have been eating poorly. and also

i have theoretically came out to people. like i said in several instances, to several groups of people that i use any pronouns. which is probably not true, i am not particularly fond of "he/him." that being said, i still look mostly like a guy (although occassionally as a pretty one!). all of my roomates are also some variety of gender-queer, but all are transitioning from the opposite direction from myself. they are cool overall. not much more to say on that. another thing related to my queerness is that i have kind of become scared of straight people (for context, i am aroace). like, i do not know how they work at all. i was in a situation where i was surrounded by only cisgender* girls (before when i said i used he/him pronouns), and there was one time where i was asked to go to the bathroom twice with the same person at night (like in a buddy system way). she also seemed to be around me a lot, including us to being pretty much alone for an hour or two. this scared me quite a bit, like what am i supposed to do if this was attraction. in retrospect, i think she was just being friendly. straight boys also scare me a lot, for one i have somehow infiltrated one of their group chats. and i don't know if anyone of them knows i am queer. but they seem mostly cool. except one time i heard one of them arguing about trans kids. but he was not very extreme. idk...

when it comes to art i have been enjoying since the last time i wrote, i have become more interested in the website as a medium of art. particularly, i have been interested in the art of chia amisola and tiger dingsun. when it comes to music, i have kind of been addicted to oklou's album galore and jane remover's recent singles. interestingly enough, oklou released a new song today

* lets be honest, this is an important distinction in this situation. community with trans people is very real and i could have had that with another trans girl. also boys and misgendered trans girls being in mostly cis girl spaces is certainly something...